


Straight as Nails

by LittleTurtle95



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Alive Noah Czerny, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Character Study, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Internal Monologue, Internalized Biphobia, It's 2020 Bitches, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Noah Czerny Is His Usual Creepy Self, Noah Czerny is a Little Shit, POV Adam Parrish, Past Adam Parrish/Blue Sargeant, Quarantine, Questioning, Richard Gansey III is a Good Friend, Ronan Lynch Is A Warning On His Own, Sexual Identity, Swearing, What Is Life Without A Quarantine Fic, oh my god they were roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:35:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26794486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtle95/pseuds/LittleTurtle95
Summary: “There were a lot of things Adam Parrish didn’t know about himself, but his sexual orientation wasn’t one of them. Adam Parrish was straight as a nail, period. Full stop. End of the fucking story.”Adam has been quarantined for more than a month and his frustration is going a little bit out of control, that's the only reason why he finds himself in bed with his roommate. It doesn't mean he's not straight, really.It's just that he desperately needed to get laid, it's not his fault if his roommate is so goddamn hot.Adam Parrish is still straight, he is. He only needed a bit of relief, this isn't a crime after all.Adam Parrish is still straight, this is just a temporary thing, his only way to calm his nerves in such dangerous times.But is it?
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 38
Kudos: 219





	Straight as Nails

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in the fandom, tell me what you think 🙊 I've read the books in like, a week, and now I'm jumping head first into the fandom. 
> 
> This was inspired by a Reddit thread. The thread was about questioning one's identity and sexual orientation, I know Adam doesn't really do it in canon but I wanted to express how I think he could have done it. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Adam opened his eyes with a gasp. For a moment he felt lost, the four walls he saw were familiar, but not exactly what he was expecting. Two things were clear to him.

He was in his house. 

He wasn’t in his room.

He rolled on the side blinking sleep off his eyes, his mind still fuzzy, when he finally saw the boy sleeping peacefully next to him. 

_Krek!_ he heard, and following the sound, he finally saw the raven judging him from her cage.

Then it hit him like a brick wall.

Everything that happened the night before washed over him like a tsunami as he stiffened on the bed, scared he would wake his friend up. 

_Gansey and Noah retreating to their respective rooms. He and Ronan on the couch watching Lucifer._

_His own voice as he said “You know what? No homo but Tom Ellis is kinda hot. I’d totally top him for a change.”_

_Ronan tilting his head back, exposing his throat. The chill that ran down his spine as he watched him, pupils blown wide._

_“Yeah, don’t fucking tell me about it. Quarantine is killing me man, if I don’t get laid soon I’m gonna combust, seriously.”_

_“Ohh man, really, don’t get me started. We’re dealing with the same shit here.”_

_The look they had exchanged at that. The sudden urge he had felt to touch Ronan’s thigh, watching his own body like an outsider as his hand acted on his own and brushed his roommate's leg._

_The way Ronan’s eyes had lit up at that._

_“Are you thinking what I am thinking, Parrish?”_

_The way his mouth went dry. “It depends. What are you thinking?”_

_Ronan had stayed silent for a while, so Adam had slowly traced a line with his fingers up his thigh, stopping just before he got to touch the bulge on his jeans._

_Ronan had swallowed at that and finally said, “I am thinking that if I don’t put my mouth on your dick like this instant I’m going to punch a wall and break my hand.”_

_“Fuck,” Adam had hissed at that point, “Yes, please. Yes.”_

There were a lot of things Adam Parrish didn’t know about himself, but his sexual orientation wasn’t one of them. Adam Parrish was straight as a nail, period. Full stop. End of the fucking story.

Ronan was facing him in his sleep, and Adam examined carefully the square sharp line of his jaw, his broad shoulders, the massive tattoo he had on his back that was barely showing now, the edges slightly visible, peeking on his shoulders and his neck.

He was feeling very lucky at the moment. He had always thought Ronan Lynch as a savagely handsome guy, and no straight man would ever have sex with an ugly friend of his. None of this could have happened if Ronan hadn’t been so ridiculously stunning.

He huffed and slowly sat up, trying not to wake up his friend. He knew Ronan liked to oversleep. 

He had to go back to his room. He didn’t want to make things awkward, and waking up in the arms of one another would have been awkward, definitely.

Even if it didn’t feel awkward. It mostly felt nice, and warm, and it was like his heart was expanding in his chest for the first time in, like, _forever_.

Adam sighed, emotions starting to get all mixed up in his stomach. 

_That’s the power of a good fuck,_ he thought, because it had actually been a good fuck. He hadn’t felt so good in ages. Hell, he probably had never felt so good before at all.

_Yes, that’s the weird feeling in my stomach. The power of a good fuck._

He ignored the way every fiber of him was still tingling. He ignored the way his heart fluttered in his chest as he stood up carefully and Ronan crinkled his nose in his sleep. 

He couldn’t look away. But he had to.

He didn’t even get dressed, he was already at home after all, he just put on his boxer briefs, collected his clothes, and snuck out of the room. As he looked inside one last time a stab of pain froze him on the spot. He realised he didn’t want to hide in his room and sleep alone. He wanted to stay here. Sleep with him.

 _But I have to. If he wakes up and finds me all cuddled up then he’s going to misinterpret what this is. He’s going to think I’m not straight, he’s_ _going to think I’m into him. I can’t lie to him like that._

He forced himself to close the door and turned to go to his room, when he found another boy a few inches away, looking at him with blue glassy eyes.

Adam yelped. “What the f-” the boy put a finger on his lips to silence him.

“Shhh, they’re still sleeping!”

“Noah, dude, seriously?” Adam hissed when his roommate finally stepped back. “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

The boy shrugged. “No big deal, I know CPR.”

“What are you doing out of your bed at 5AM?”

“What were you doing at 5AM in Ronan’s bed?”

Adam felt his cheeks burning hot. “We were binging the Witcher. And it’s none of your business anyway.”

“You were binge watching the Witcher _naked.”_

If possible, his face burned even more. “Yes, we were drunk so I felt hot.”

“Yeah, _hot_ probably covers it.”

Adam ignored him. “Now if you excuse me…” he hissed, pushing the boy on the side and walking to his room, finally slamming the door shut behind him.

He slipped under the blankets and sighed. He switched on the bedside lamp and took his biology book from his pillow, where he had thrown it before dinner. He was awake now, he could at least try to get the best out of it.

Flashes from last night kept clouding his thoughts as he fought to focus on the pages. The pictures and schemes on his book mixed with images of skin to skin, and breaths on breaths, light touches and iron grips. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose to focus.

* * *

He opened his eyes again to loud knocks on his door.

“Adam? _Adam?”_

He flinched, his book falling on the floor with a thud. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands.

“Adam?”

“Wh… what now?” he stuttered as his mind cleared. 

The room was lit up, sun rays coming in from the window, the curtains open wide. The usual loud and hideous electric music rang through the corridors all the way to his room. 

“What… what time is it?” he asked, numbly.

The door slid open and his third and final roommate, Richard Gansey III, peeked in. “Listen, Ronan made lunch for everyone so-” he stopped dead as he saw him in bed. “Oh wow. You were… you were _sleeping._ Why were you sleeping this late?”

“Oh no. Oh no, I’m late. I have an essay due on Thursday, I overslept. Oh no, I overslept. I-”

“Calm down, tiger,” said Gansey, and Adam’s breath evened if only a bit. When Gansey told you everything was going to be okay, you believed him. It was that easy. “What’s wrong with all of you today? Ronan is grunting less than usual and he made lunch for everyone. And you hardly manage to sleep at night, let alone during the day.”

_Ronan is grunting less than usual. He made lunch for everyone._

The thought that their night had affected positively his friend too made Adam’s heart clench, but not in a bad way. 

“What is it with that smile now?” Gansey asked. “Do I have something on my face?”

“What smile?” Adam asked, getting out of bed and putting on his Coca Cola shirt, without bothering to add on some pants. “I’m not smiling.”

He lazily followed Gansey to their small kitchen / laundry room / dining room, already making plans in his head, adapting his studying schedule to the current time. 

As soon as Gansey opened the door the electronic music played louder and Adam flinched slightly.

“Shut it off now, you’re giving me a migraine!” said Gansey, falling on one of the chairs with a huff.

“Fuck you, Dick,” was the only reply, the music stayed untouched.

Ronan was busy at the stove, giving them his bare back, black sweatpants on and nothing else. 

Adam studied the intricate drawings carved in black ink on his back, every time he looked at it he found something new. He stared for a few moments, observing the way his tattoo disappeared on his hips down where his pants started and on his neck where it faded into the buzzcut on his head. 

He swallowed and took a seat as well. “Lynch,” he said, in a tight controlled voice. “What’s on the house today?”

Hearing his voice Ronan turned briefly to look at him, his eyes lighting up with an unreadable expression. “Parrish,” he greeted, like he always did. “Fried chicken.”

“Healthy,” Adam commented.

“Cook your own fucking food next time if you want to complain.”

“I am not complaining, you don’t have to get all defensive all the time.”

“I am not fucking defensive, you useless-”

 _“Adam,”_ Gansey said, in that usual paternalistic tone of his.

“What now?”

“Yeah, go tell him!” Ronan said, still focused on his task at the stove.

 _“Ronan,”_ Gansey said next.

“Don’t you even try Dick, I am being perfectly fucking civil. He started this time.”

“What exactly did I start? Because I am only trying-”

“And here I was thinking you weren’t going to fight, just once, just this time. I am the greatest clown, am I?”

“You said it yourself, man,” Ronan said, and Adam could hear his smile even though he couldn’t see it. “Czerny?”

“Not hungry,” Gansey replied, he didn’t sound surprised.

“That fucking creep,” Ronan said, but the fondness in his voice was clear.

He wasn’t surprised either, and Adam couldn’t say he was surprised himself. Noah Czerny was like that, he was awake at ungodly hours, he only ate in his room when nobody was watching, and more often than not he dozed off while you were talking, lost in his thoughts. 

As Ronan took great care in reminding him often, he was indeed _a total creep._ But he was _their_ total creep, so it was okay.

Gansey grabbed Ronan’s laptop and stopped the music with no further comment.

When Ronan finally joined them with a stray full of fried chicken Adam furrowed his brows. “This is _seriously_ all we’re going to eat today?”

“Well, there’s plenty of it,” said Ronan, filling his plate with a self satisfied smile. 

“What happened to _mens sana in corpore sano?”_

“What?” asked Gansey.

“Healthy body for a healthy mind,” Ronan translated. “But unfortunately for Parrish, I’ve never wanted a healthy mind. Not my cup of tea. So it’d be useless anyway.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Adam muttered, but his eyes on Ronan’s lips betrayed him.

 _Don’t stare Adam. You’re not here to play games,_ he thought. 

“See something you like, Parrish?” 

_Fuck, too late._

“Figures,” Adam scoffed, because that was what straight guys were supposed to say, and that was exactly what he was. A straight guy. Always has been, always going to be.

Even straight guys were allowed to acknowledge when some dude was attractive, it wasn’t his fault.

“I’ll put on some _Rick and Morty_ ,” Gansey said, trying to stop the argument before it escalated.

“Did someone say _Rick and Morty_?” a voice asked.

The boys all jumped, Gansey accidentally dropped his fork on the floor.

“What the flying fuck Czerny? You made me piss myself!” Ronan laughed. For some reasons Noah’s weirdness always seemed to amuse him more than it should have.

The boy was sitting on the couch where Adam was sure he wasn’t a few seconds earlier and he was grinning from ear to ear. “Next time don’t call me _creep._ ”

“You were eavesdropping,” Gansey scolded him.

“I wasn’t. It’s just the thin walls,” he protested. Nobody argued, but they all knew Noah’s room was the farthest from the kitchen and they didn’t have any walls in common.

Adam made it through two episodes before he forced himself to go back to study in his room. Gansey was sitting on the couch surrounded by books, his glasses on and a focused expression. Ronan and Noah were playing tic tac toe with chili sauce on their fingers on the dining table, sharing some earphones and one beer can. 

He stood up and sighed. “Well, I’m going back to study a bit.”

Ronan looked up from his game for a second. “Oh, come on Parrish, we’re on vacation!”

“We’re not on vacation,” said Gansey, his nose still deep in his book, not bothering to look up. “We’re in quarantine. It’s different.”

“Exactly,” Adam said, looking uncomfortably around. It was strange to feel like that in his own home. He wasn’t used to it, he didn’t like it. “Well, thanks for the… meal, I guess. I gotta go.”

“Whatever,” Ronan answered, eyes trailing up Adam’s body and finally saying, “nice look you’ve got today Parrish.”

Adam tensed. “Fuck you,” he hissed, and slammed the door shut.

He didn’t know why he was behaving like this, not really. This wasn’t like him. 

Not that he didn’t argue with Ronan usually- everyone did- he was _Ronan_ , but this was affecting him more than it should have.

 _It’s the quarantine,_ he thought, finally getting back in his room and falling down at his desk. They had been stuck at home for more than a month and sometimes things got too tense. The four of them were all difficult people to live with, Noah with his creepy shenanigans, Gansey with his control issues, Ronan with his mood swings and Adam… 

Adam was a mess. 

And sometimes it felt like everything was crashing him, college terms, losing his job because of the pandemic, breaking up with his girlfriend (Noah and Ronan had joked too many times about the _Blue_ balls he was going to have from now on, while Gansey had kept surprisingly quiet about it). 

At least he wasn’t spending quarantine at home with his parents. That would have been-

A chill ran down his spine and he had to stop his train of thoughts at that, he wasn’t ready for spiralling into a panic attack, it was already late as it was. 

He let his thoughts linger on the night before one time more, already craving it again, and finally brought himself to start working. He munched his pen as he opened his book again, wide awake this time, highlighting the words on the page and scribbling notes and fidgeting with his pen on his lips. 

When hours later someone opened the door without knocking he jumped.

He closed his eyes and counted to three before looking at the intruder. He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to let his bad mood affect his friends. 

“What is it?” he asked calmly, finally turning and seeing Ronan lean on the door with a bored expression and a bottle of water in his hand. He had a shirt on now, fact that Adam couldn’t help but notice with maybe too much bitterness. “And could you please learn how to knock?”

“I probably could, yes,” he said, and his lips tensed like they were just about to smile but weren’t there yet, “but if I did I couldn’t hope to catch you jerking off and why would I bother to show up, then?”

“ _Ha ha ha,_ very funny. What is it? For real.”

“For real? It’s 4PM and we’ve been in the kitchen the whole afternoon and you haven’t showed up once.”

“So what? Did you miss me?” he asked, and the sarcasm in his voice was probably less evident than how he would have liked.

“Yeah, you wish,” Ronan smirked, and threw the water bottle at him.

“The fuck?!” he yelped, miraculously catching it before it could hit his forehead making him more like a fool of himself than he already felt. 

“Drink, asshole.”

Adam looked at the bottle in his hands, then back at his friend, then at the bottle again. “This is why you’re here? To remind me to _drink water??_ ”

Ronan shrugged. “I mean, someone has to, am I right?”

“Okay, _boss,"_ he groaned, trying to hide behind sarcasm how much that touched him. He took a sip of water and just as he did he realised that was exactly what he needed. He looked at it in surprise and gulped the rest of it in a single long shot, giving himself time to think. 

This wasn’t like the Ronan he knew. This wasn’t like the Ronan he knew at all.

“Be careful with the words you use, I may be just into that.”

Adam’s face went on fire. _Shit._ “Not funny. _So_ not funny.”

Ronan looked down at his hands and his shoulders stiffened slightly. This wasn’t like him, either. Adam didn’t like it. He preferred his friend when he looked like he could stomp the whole world with his boots, now he looked more like he was being crushed by it. 

“Everything okay?”

“Are you… do you… do you regret it? Is that why you’re being weird?”

“What do you mean? I am not being weird.”

“ _Parrish._ ”

“What?!”

“Okay, fine,” he bit back, his voice slightly turning cold, “whatever you say.”

When Adam realised he was going back to the kitchen it was almost too late. 

_When did I fuck up? Fuck._

“Wait!” he said, finding himself on his feet. He didn’t remember how he got there, he was sure he had been sitting down the whole time. “I liked it, okay?”

Ronan froze, slowly closing the door again and looking back at him. “You… what?”

“Is it weird? Probably. But I liked it. I was going to explode, I probably would have if you hadn’t… well, you get me. Quarantine sucks. And I’m stressed. And I needed… to _relieve_ my nerves.”

Ronan smiled a winning smile, something incredibly rare to see on his face. The last time Adam had witnessed a smile like that on him it had been when he had thrown Noah out of the window. A memorable day that ended with the three of them patching him up because he insisted he didn’t have to go to the E.R. and he didn’t have insurance anyway. 

Ronan Lynch smiling was a big deal, and now he was smiling _at him. Because of him._ These weren’t forces to play with.

“Great. I liked it too. Let’s do it again.”

Adam blinked in silence for a few moments. “Now?”

“Yes, now. What is it man, are you a _once-a-week-is-enough_ kind of guy? Should I go ask Czerny for it? I have a feeling he could say yes, what do you think?”

The question gave him a stab of pain and anger with no reason he could possibly think of. There was only a way to shut those weird feelings up once and for all.

“Hell no!” he said, and to prove his point he stepped forward, grabbed Ronan’s shirt and captured his lips in a bruising kiss. 

Not even the blink of an eye had passed and he felt Ronan’s hands on his hips, pulling him closer and pressing his body to him. Adam immediately leaned into it, shifting one leg between Ronan’s thighs and holding his breath when he felt him groan in the kiss. Adam arched to him and a wave of arousal nearly overwhelmed him, leaving his mind blank for a moment, distantly aware only of the two bodies pressed close and Ronan’s demanding tongue in his mouth.

Adam’s hands flew to the elastic on Ronan’s sweatpants and felt him tense under his touch. He immediately stopped and broke the kiss looking up to him. Ronan’s eyes were two black pools, all pupils with the smallest blue ring of the iris barely visible. 

_Beautiful._

“Are you okay? Is _this_ okay?” He asked, looking down at the hands still on his friends’ pants. 

“Yes. _Fuck,_ yes, keep going. Keep going,” 

Adam didn’t have to be told twice. He walked back blindly until his legs hit the bed and Ronan shoved him on the mattress. He straddled him and Adam arched up looking for friction. Ronan’s mouth kissed and licked and bit all the way up from his neck, through his jaw, to his earlobe. Adam slid his hands under Ronan’s shirt, scratching his back and mapping his tensed muscles, feeling him shudder under the teasing touches.

* * *

An eternity later, Ronan stretched comfortably on the bed like a cat. “Next episode?” He asked, mindlessly reaching for his pants that had been thrown on the floor in the heat of the moment, looking for his phone. His phone that he used for everything but texting and calling, including but not limited to: Netflix, YouTube, porn, and crappy recipes on cooking sites.

They had just come out of their post coital bliss and Adam’s brain was slowly coming back to life after one of the best orgasms of his life, when the words he just heard finally made sense to him.

“What? No way!” he said, trying to get off the bed. Ronan’s grip around his waist stopped him. “I have to study.”

“Come on, asshole! Just one episode, you’ve been studying all day!”

Adam scoffed. “No, I have been sleeping the whole morning, then I watched Rick and Morty after lunch, I miraculously got through two chapters in a few hours and then we fucked for… he took Ronan’s wirst in his hand and looked at his watch. He felt him tense under his sudden touch but chose not to comment on that. “Fifty three minutes. That’s the opposite of studying all day.”

“Fifty three minutes,” Ronan muttered, “that’s twenty minutes more than yesterday. At this rate next week we’ll fuck for five hours straight.”

“Actually today is Thursday, so if we keep adding up twenty minutes every day, on Monday we’ll make up to two hours and thirteen minutes. And that’s only if we count the _work_ week, proper week will be even less,” said Adam. Only after the words left his mouth he realised the implication of this statement.

He hadn’t even considered the possibility of all of it happening again. He had always seen it as an exception, two friends helping each other in difficult times.

_Do I really want it to happen again?_

He already knew the answer.

“Calm down with your math, genius, if you keep counting like that I’ll need a round two before neither of us will be able to handle it.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “It’s not that impressive, it’s you’re just an idiot.”

Ronan flipped him off and with that everything went back to normal. He tried to stand up again but Ronan held him still. “Come on now, don’t be an asshole. I told you, I have to study.”

“ _You_ come on! Only one episode!”

“You’re a child.”

“You’re an old fuck. Older than Gansey.”

“Some of us go to college to actually _learn_ something. Crazy, right?”

“Can’t relate,” Ronan said, shrugging. “Come on man, I’m your best friend!”

“You are not my best friend, you are my _worst_ friend. There’s a big difference, and if you were a good friend you’d know it.”

“Still, I’m relevant,” he said with a shrug.

Adam sighed but stopped struggling, relaxing in the embrace. “Only one episode Lynch, do you hear me?”

“What did I just say, asshole? One episode, not one thousand.”

“Fine,” Adam grumbled.

“Fine,” Ronan grinned. Adam's insides flipped.

One episode turned to three episodes and Adam found himself all limbs entangled with his roommate, Ronan’s chin nuzzled on his shoulder, their fingers intertwined on Adam’s chest.

He stretched comfortably on the bed, unselfconscious and half asleep. He felt more than he heard Ronan’s satisfied hum, his lips firmly pressed to the curve of Adam’s shoulder. 

For a moment it felt like everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. His father was miles away, locked in his home like all of them; Blue and the awkward moments between them that put him in a bad mood lately were gone now, none of his business anymore; the frustration and tension he accumulated the past month, forced in the four walls of his flat, had been completely dried up by Ronan’s lips, and his hands on him, and even by his steady presence leaning on to him.

After the moment passed, a dreadful thought occurred to him. 

They were _cuddling._ They were cuddling in his bed, and he was enjoying it a lot. 

Adam had always craved contact; when he was a child he hadn’t gotten any, or to be more specific, any that wasn’t a good punch; his school friends weren’t particularly affectionate either, all fist bumps, shoulder slaps, playful pushes but nothing more.

 _Because that’s how men are supposed to touch their friends,_ he reminded himself. It was simple as that.

When he discovered that cuddling came as a package deal with having a girlfriend he was thrilled. 

He loved having a girlfriend. 

Girls were beautiful and brilliant, at least the ones he got to date. They aroused him and gave him extra shot of endorphins sleeping with him and giving him small kisses and taking his hand and making him feel like he was worth something.

Now he was feeling all of this at once, with his roommate in his bed. He wouldn’t say he was feeling _bad_ , the opposite of it actually, but it was weird. It was something that didn’t have an explanation for. It was something he hadn’t planned and couldn’t control. 

Adam hated things he hadn’t planned and couldn’t control.

“I think I should get going,” he said, trying to pace his heart because Ronan had his hands pressed on his chest and was probably feeling how much it was racing. 

“Is this a bad moment to point out we’re in _your_ room? _Where_ exactly do you think you should get going?”

Adam swallowed. He didn’t want to fight. Everything was so much worse when his own faults and quirks and silly thoughts made him fight with everyone. “Fine. I think _you_ should get going, then.”

He felt Ronan tense on the bed and immediately started to regret it.

“Are you okay, Parrish?”

“Peachy.”

“Do you need-”

“All I need,” Adam said, cold but patient,“is you out of my room. Now.”

He was waiting for him to get mad. It was easy to make Ronan lose his cool, and Adam and Gansey were masters at that. A weird mood swing with no explanation, being kicked out of the room and treated coldly for no reason usually was more than enough to make it happen, to start the show.

Not this time, though. Ronan’s grip just left him, leaving him cold and lonely, and Adam heard a faint, “You know what? This isn’t worth it.”

He didn’t turn to look at him as he got dressed even if he wanted to, he just kept staring blankly at the wall and let his thoughts overflow.

This calmness was much worse than Ronan’s usual response, this was much worse than insults and yelling and snarky comments. This was a language Adam didn’t understand and he hated when he didn’t understand. 

There were a few light sounds of him dressing up, and a brief scribbling noise. 

When Adam finally heard the door closing softly, the sound rang in his skull more than a bullet shot. He probably would have heard it less if Ronan had slammed it closed, it was the gentleness that made the sound so loud. With Ronan it was often like that. He did everything loud and messy, his silence was terrifyingly wrong.

The calmness that came afterwards brought a loneliness in his heart that he was used to, one he welcomed like an old friend. It was a loneliness he felt many times during the day and all the time during the night, alone in his room. It was a loneliness he felt whenever they watched a show he didn’t like and that Gansey and Ronan adored; a loneliness he felt when Ronan and Noah listened to music everyone else but the two of them hated and when they exchanged amused looks every time someone told them to _just stop it already_ ; it was a loneliness he felt when Gansey talked about his history major and his long forgotten tombs and his Welsh Kings and Blue’s eyes lit up even if she was supposed to be in their house for _him_ , not for his friend.

When he had drowned more than enough in this overwhelming sense of being out of place and the second if not third choice wherever he went, he finally rolled on the bed and looked at the closed door. 

He sighed, already missing another body close to his, when he saw a water bottle on his bedside table, one he was pretty sure wasn’t there before, not the one Ronan had brought earlier and he had already finished in one go.

Under it a single word scribbled on a post-it note, in Ronan’s messy handwriting.

Bibe. _Drink._

Adam’s heart clenched. “Asshole.”

* * *

He showed up briefly in the kitchen when Ronan and Gansey were having supper a few minutes later, Noah was annoying them without eating as usual and they were all sitting down at the dining table.

He avoided eye contact with everyone in the room, bearing the weight of their stares without even looking.

He didn’t want to eat with them, it would have made things awkward, more awkward than they already were. Maybe he shouldn’t have slept with Ronan in the first place. Maybe everything they had was ruined for good now.

He loved his roommates, this was the only real place that had ever felt like home to him. The thought of the domestic peace gone, domestic peace he had never had before in his life and he always chased when he was younger, made him sick.

He filled a bowl of cereals and went out without saying a word. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he heard Gansey’s _not so subtle_ whisper.

“What the hell did you do this time?”

“Dick, seriously,” he heard Ronan hiss, “shut the fuck up.”

“Sort this out Ronan, I’m serious. I have no time for your useless fights, I have an essay due next week.”

“Why do you think this is my fault? Why aren’t you saying this to him instead?”

Adam’s breath hitched. 

Gansey always said he didn’t want to take sides whenever he and Ronan fought, but Adam had always had the impression that his friend forgave Ronan for some huge shit that would get Adam kicked out way sooner.

But again, probably if someone asked Ronan he would say the same thing about him.

“Who wants to play beer pong?” Noah asked suddenly. The subject changed immediately and Adam walked back to his room, if possible even gloomier than before.

He spent there the whole evening, until he felt his stomach growl and had to go look for something else to eat. It was 11PM, and it meant everyone was back in their room, or at least everyone was supposed to be. He snuck in the kitchen looking for some snacks, wary like a thief in his own home. 

Going back to his room he heard faint electric music playing from Ronan’s door and unintelligible chatting. 

_Weird,_ he thought. _He never calls anyone on the phone._

He said to himself he was probably talking with one of his brothers, but the urge to burst in and ask him who the hell he was talking to this late started eating him from inside. He decided to ignore the urge but then he heard something else, something much more clear coming from Gansey’s room, a voice he would have known anywhere.

_“I wish I could kiss you right now.”_

“Soon, I promise. Once we’re allowed outside the first thing I’m doing is coming over.”

A girl’s voice laughed. _“My mom is going to hate you so much.”_

Blue’s voice, his freshly ex girlfriend’s voice. 

“Adam?” Gansey’s only word, tentative and hesitant, felt like a slap on the face.

_“Haven’t told him yet. You?”_

“Same. And I think… maybe we shouldn’t. He’s been through a lot lately, I don’t want… I don’t want to hurt him more than necessary. We don’t have to tell him now, it’s not like you can come visit anyway.”

_“Do you think it’s my fault? Do you think I should check on him?”_

That was what made his blood boil in his veins and his sight turn red. The guilt in her voice, the care in Gansey’s, the pity party going on in the room.

_Adam?_

_He’s been through a lot lately._

_I don’t want to hurt him._

_Do you think I should check on him?_

He thought about going inside, taking Gansey’s laptop and throwing it out of the window, but he wouldn’t have the money to pay it back if he did. He thought about yelling at their faces that they didn’t have to protect him, that he wasn’t a child, that what Blue did with other guys wasn’t his business anymore, but that would be admitting he eavesdropped.

So he made the only sensible choice he could think of. He clenched his hands in fists, swallowed and opened the door of Ronan’s room. 

With the door open the music went up a few octaves and the scene inside wasn’t what Adam was expecting.

Chainsaw, Ronan’s domesticated Raven, was flying circles in the room, free from her cage. Ronan was holding Noah’s legs, holding him upside down, Noah’s golden curls brushing the floor like a broom. They were both laughing.

_What is it man, are you a once-a-week-is-enough kind of guy? Should I go ask Czerny for it? I have a feeling he could say yes._

The beast in his chest screamed louder. Two pairs of eyes stared at him. Ronan let go of Noah and the boy fell on the floor with a pained yelp. 

“What the hell are you two doing?” Adam asked, his voice threatening to rise more than intended. “It’s 11PM, I’m trying to study, shut this awful music for fuck’s sake and go to bed!”

He didn’t know why he was so mad, but lately he _never_ knew why he was so mad, he just was _._ It was infuriating.

 _Krek!_ said Chainsaw, as to say _why do you have to be so annoying all the time?_ or at least it sounded exactly like that. Adam couldn’t blame her.

“And you know you can’t let her out in the house! The landlord-”

“It’s quarantine, Parrish,” Ronan said, shooting Noah a stern look, and the boy quickly made himself scarce, closing the door behind him. It was only the two of them now. “I can’t keep her in a cage for months, you know this.”

“I don’t fucking care about what you can or cannot do, if the landlord knows you’re pulling this shitty stunt he’ll-”

“Why the hell would he know it? Are you planning to tell him?”

“Of course not, I-”

“ _Then stop bullshitting me and tell me why the fuck are you being this much of an asshole!_ ” he hissed, conveniently containing himself not to make Gansey come check what the hell was going on. 

The words were angry enough to make Adam reconsider what he was doing.

He blinked a few times and even the furious wounded animal in his chest froze for a few moments. 

Ronan stepped forward, took Adam’s hands in his and unclenched his fists, a surprisingly soothing gesture in that mess of a day.

“I heard Gansey and Blue talking on the phone,” Adam whispered. Ronan heard him only because he was incredibly close, and Adam didn’t know when exactly he had come all the way there.

“So what? They’re friends, you know this,” he said, because he was one of Gansey’s boys and he wasn’t going to say anything bad of him without solid evidence and probably even despite having solid evidence.

“They were talking about kissing. They were debating about telling me or not that they are a… thing.”

“Well, fuck,” said Roan. “This shit sucks. I’m… sorry.”

“I’m not. I don’t care if they’re dating,” Adam said, and he realised in that moment that it was the truth.

“Doesn’t really look like it dude, honestly.”

“I don’t care if they’re dating,” he said again, louder this time. “It’s just… I don’t need their pity. I don’t want them to be sorry, I don’t want them to look at me and think _ohhh Adam is having it really bad,if we say we’re seeing each other he’s going to fucking break, he’s so fucking fragile these days._ I am tired of it. I can’t stand it.”

“Let me get this straight,” Ronan said, trying to steady him playing with his fingers. For some reason it seemed to work. “You aren’t pissed because Gansey is hooking up with your girlfriend-”

“ _Ex_ girlfriend.”

“-but because they don’t want you to be hurt.”

“If you say it like that you make me look like an idiot. I am not an idiot.”

Ronan shrugged. “Escusatio non petita… right?”

“Fuck you.”

“You are not an idiot,” Ronan whispered, stepping closer and pushing him to the door, their bodies now pressed close. He kissed Adam’s cheekbone, just under his eyes, and Adam’s heart fluttered. “Want to forget this shit for a while?”

Adam nodded silently and Ronan kissed his temple, his jaw, then his ear. “You worry too much, you know this right?”

Adam did indeed know this, but he didn’t bother to give him an answer. His hand cupped the back of Ronan’s head, guiding him and encouraging him, and he let Ronan’s hands and mouth defuse him like a bomb, slow and steady.

* * *

When his mind came back to focus he didn’t know how late it was, nor he did care. 

After they’ve both finished Ronan had given him a last whole hearted, passionate, toe curling goodbye kiss and then he had kicked him out of the room with a stern, “Sleep now, for fuck’s sake!” and Adam didn’t know what to think.

Was he just giving Adam the space he needed? Or maybe he just didn’t want to spend the night with him? Adam honestly didn’t know.

_You worry too much, you know this right?_

He was laying restless in his bed, thinking about how little he cared about Gansey and Blue being together. He thought about the fact the only times he had felt at ease lately was when he was with Ronan’s hands on him. He thought back at the beast eating him from inside when Ronan had mentioned asking Noah instead. _I have a feeling he’d say yes, what do you think?_

He knew what that feeling was. It was the same feeling he felt the first time Blue had come home with him and she and Gansey clicked like a perfectly matched gear.

He knew that feeling very well, but he didn’t have the emotional strength to name it yet.

He did the most sensible thing that came to mind. He opened his laptop and typed _straight guys sleeping with guys_ and read all the results. He sighed. They all looked the same. He tried with a _straight guy with a crush on his best friend_ and _why do I want to kiss my best friend._

The word _bisexual_ started to pop up everywhere and he closed his laptop with a huff. 

_Bisexual. Shit._

For someone who hated when things were out of control Adam Parrish didn’t have many certainties in life, solid information he trusted and relied on during life storms. 

He not only didn’t have many, but most of his certainties felt bad and left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

_I am Adam Parrish. Adam Parrish has a shitty family. Adam Parrish is poor and lonely. Adam Parrish works more than most people and gets less than most people in return. Adam Parrish worries too much._

The neutral or not so bad certainties he knew about himself and his life were only a few and he didn’t want to let them go, he wasn’t ready to let them go yet.

_Adam Parrish is straight. Adam Parrish has always been straight, he will always be straight and he is not in the slightest in love with his best friend._

But this certainty had started to crumble under his feet the night before. Maybe even earlier than that. Maybe this certainty had started to crumble the first time he’d seen Ronan’s half smirk and his stomach flipped and he thought _stunning._ Maybe this certainty had started to crumble when he used to stare a little too much at some guys during P.E. in high school. Maybe this certainty had started to crumble when he developed an unhealthy obsession with Ash Ketchum from Pokémon in second grade.

Maybe this certainty had never been a certainty at all. Maybe he just had to find a newer, truer one.

_I am Adam Parrish. Adam Parrish is bisexual. Adam Parrish is very much in love with his best friend and he probably already fucked it up._

He put his laptop on the bedside table, resisting the urge to throw it away, because he couldn’t afford a new one. He sipped from the water bottle. 

_Drink,_ the note told him again, with a grunt that sounded a lot like Ronan’s.

_Fuck._

* * *

When he woke up the day after, he hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep. His head hurt and he still had this weird feeling in his stomach. He had to study, he really had to, and he had to finish his essay. He had to-

_I have to talk to him._

He groaned and covered his face with his hands. He wasn’t going to be able to study without sorting this out. He unlocked his phone and scrolled through. 

73 unread messages in the university group chat;

4 unread messages from Blue.

_Should I check on him?_

He left it in his bed and put on some shorts. He wasn’t going to read what she said, he didn’t have enough nerves before coffee.

He went to the kitchen feeling like he had a really bad hangover and found Gansey sipping tea from his _better than Dumbledore_ mug, typing notes on his laptop with his free hand. 

When he made coffee and finally let his brain wake up he started to feel better. He looked at Gansey, focused on his work, biting his lips between the sips. He thought his friend hadn't even acknowledged his presence, when the boy finally sighed, looked up from the screen at him and spoke.

“I don’t know why you two are fighting, but this has to stop. It’s not good for you and-”

“We aren’t fighting,” Adam said, cold. He was still bitter at him for keeping Blue’s secret. 

“Adam, come on-”

“We aren’t fighting. We’re _fucking_.”

The spoon in the mug clung as Gansey lowered it on the table with too much strength. “ _Jesus. Christ._ ”

“Are you surprised?” Adam asked, because he desperately wanted to know if he was the last one to find out what he was.

“Yes. No. I don’t know. Were _you_ surprised?”

Adam shrugged. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, I have literally no idea, I-” 

“I think,” Gansey said slowly, “that sorting this out is about being honest with yourself. That’s all you can do.”

Adam took another sip from his coffee. “I think that’s what I needed to hear.”

“I do my best.”

“I know,” Adam said, and he wanted to add _but it’s not enough._

He wanted to ask _why didn’t you tell me? Do you really think I am this weak?_

But that was an argument for another time. He finished his coffee silently, and just as silently walked out of the room. He stared at Ronan’s door for a while, thinking he should probably just go to his own room and wait. The boy was probably still asleep anyway.

He put a hand on the handle and hesitated. This was the point of no return. This really meant crossing the Rubicon. This was the ultimate ride or die.

He opened the door. 

Ronan was sitting on his bed, only his boxers on, feeding Chainsaw some minced meat with his hands. 

_Krek!_ Chainsaw said, clearly annoyed for the interruption. Ronan patted her head to soothe her and looked at him, raising a brow without saying a word.

Adam stepped in and closed the door gently. He stood still, lost in his own thoughts and in the freezing eyes of the boy in front of him.

“Adam?” Ronan asked, and Adam stepped forward, leaned down and kissed him.

This felt different from any other time before. Not less hungry, just another type of hunger entirely. It was slow, less rushed, and more eloquent than every world that could have come out of his mouth. 

He wasn’t surprised that Ronan had welcomed him that easily, that Ronan was letting him ask all the silent questions and answer them with his touch and lips and breaths. He should have thought about it, really. Ronan Lynch wasn’t one for casual flings, he didn’t _hook up_ ** _._ **

When they parted to catch their breaths Adam smiled and whispered “I think I’m not straight.”

Ronan tilted his head back and laughed loud, like a bark. It was a rare sight and for a moment Adam felt humbled. “Really? That’s lame, dude. I was just trying to be friendly.”

“You are being sarcastic now, but I actually thought-”

“I know what you thought, idiot.”

“You knew? Why didn’t you-”

“I didn’t know what to say, man. And you get fucking annoying when someone tries to explain something to you, you’re so fucking proud, so I just let you figure this shit out on your own.”

“What?” Adam asked, with a frown. “I am not fucking proud, you are insufferable and-” he blinked. “Did you just trick me into proving your point?”

Ronan smirked. “I don’t know. Guess you’ll have to figure it out on your own.”

They kissed again, and things had never been better.

_I am Adam Parrish. Adam Parrish is bisexual. Adam Parrish is very much in love with his best friend and his best friend is very much in love with him. Adam Parrish is not fucking it up, ~~at least not yet~~. Maybe he’s allowed to have a nice thing, for once._

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, thanks to everyone who made it this far! What do you think? Did it make sense? Was the characterisation on point? When you're new in the fandom it's always a bit hard to tell 🙊
> 
> I hope I'll be able to keep writing for this fandom because I fell in love with it 🥰 so hopefully we'll see each other around!


End file.
